Famous Five go to Smugglers Top

(TV Series)



JAMES says:

Me and my big ideas. I thought it would be a good prize in our guest review competition to give the winner the chance to nominate something for us to cast our critical eye over. How could I know my girlfriend would win, and force me to watch an episode of the 1970s Famous Five TV show to review it? Actually, it was pretty obvious to all involved that precisely this sequence of events would occur. Anyway, here I am torn between my duty to you, dear reader, to give my honest opinion and my desire not to get hit over the head with a ukulele by Debbie when I get home. Actually, seeing as Debbie probably is the only reader this isn’t so much of a dilemma, but I’ll give my honest opinion anyway.

Luckily for my head it wasn’t too bad. It had people with funny clothes and accents, and a fine line in cheesy 70’s incidental music. However, I wasn’t quite able to enjoy it to the extent that Debbie did. Kids on TV are always annoying if you’re not a kid, and I did find myself kind of wishing that the evil environmentalists would drown them in the marshes, them and their little dog! Damn Punk Kids.

As a thrilling adventure, it was certainly no 24, but then it is for kids, so you don’t really need coherent plots or believable situations, just evil working class people and the threat of getting sent to bed without dinner. I can understand why Debbie likes this, in much the same way as I can watch Knightmare these days even though it is about as fun as watching someone play the Hobbit Spectrum adventure game, just because it brings back happy memories of eating Mars Bars on a Thursday afternoon. Coming to it cold, though, I can’t really say it appealed that much. Therefore, if you loved it as a child, pretend I’ve given it 10/10, and go and think about how great Frazzles were, everyone else I’m afraid I can only give it

4/10

The Ownerz

by Gangstarr
(Record)



NEILL says:

If you'll allow me a brief rant to start off: what the hell is it with records being too long these days? Have these people never heard of quality control? Hell, J5 even made a record called Quality Control, and even that was too damn long. What was wrong with the time-honoured tradition of saving the crap for b-sides, anyway? Always works for Radiohead.

Anyway. Gangstarr are a New York-based rap outfit comprising DJ Premier and rapper Guru. Coming out with a record called 'the Ownerz' could be seen as a touch complacent, but if anyone deserves to feel smug, its these guys. DJ Premier is one of the greatest hip-hop producers in the world, if not the greatest, and has been consistently so for well over a decade now. And Guru… well, he never was the most tonally dynamic or lyrically inventive rapper alive, and he's never going to be, but you just have to love the guy. This is the man who's "got more ho's on my dick than you could fit in a garden", for Gods sakes. Show some damn respect.

It seems redundant to slag off a Gangstarr record for being samey - back on 1998's seminal Moment of Truth, Guru pulled back the curtain and laid out their methods with admirable bluntness: "What we do is, we have certain formulas, but we update them. The style of beats is elevated, the style of rhymes is elevated, but it's still Guru and Premier". Well, yeah. In fact, The Ownerz follows the template of Moment of Truth so closely as to make one occasionally have to check it is in fact a different record; several tracks are direct 'sequels' including the inevitably-disappointing Capture (Militia Pt. 3). There's always been something cumulative about Gangstarr records, though; it's a trademark Premier trick to build tracks around samples of his earlier works, building one multi-layered self-referential meta-album. Yeah, that's right. A multi-layered self-referential meta-album. What?

Anyway, despite the excessive length and the excessive familiarity, it's still more than worth a listen for the couple of moments (on tracks such as PLAYTAWIN and Same Team, No Games) where it all clicks and you get that big shit-eating-grin, glad-to-be-here rush that ONLY comes from really great hip-hop.

6/10

---

Buy on Amazon: The Ownerz

Jongleurs Battersea on Friday

(Comedy club)



JAMES says:


Is it me? Everyone else seems to be laughing. Am I just being a killjoy misery guts? No! No more will I feel like it is my fault that I don’t laugh at stand-up comedians. They had all the opportunity they needed, I was drunk, the mood was light-hearted. Laughter was flowing all around. If they failed to raise more than a passing smirk to my lips, then they’re rubbish comedians. And everyone else just has bad taste. The comedians were by and large rubbish anyway. There were all the rubbish stand-up clichés; the Asian comedian who pointed out how we think all Asians are terrorists, the depressed divorced guy, the black comedian who points out the different ways black and white people do things, the zany comedian who made farting noises, the guy who talked to the audience then insulted the foreigners. I think my biggest problem was that there was no intelligence or imagination on show. Most of the punch-lines I could easily have guessed or came up with better ones myself. And anyway, I shouldn’t be trying to laugh at what they say. I’ve paid my money, I should just be entertained. You realise when someone good comes on just how different it can be, when instead of trying to laugh you’re trying to stop yourself laughing so you don’t die. Unfortunately, they hadn’t thought to book any of these people on Friday. Plus, it was too hot. And the music they played at the disco afterwards was rubbish. And the beer tasted horrible. But I’m not a killjoy misery guts. It’s important you remember that.

2.3/10

Stan Lee

(Iconic genius and living embodiment of the American comic book)



NEILL says:

For our less culturally sophisticated readers, Stan "The Man" Lee is the writer, editor and publisher who in the 1960s, along with such notable artistic collaborators as Jack "King" Kirby and Steve "I can't remember if he had a nick-name" Ditko, created Marvel Comics and all its iconic characters. Spider-man, the Hulk, the Fantastic Four, the X-men... these were all down to Stan . Now, that's a hell of an achievement, you may think, and you'd be right. I mean, that extremely truncated list alone represents several of the most succesful blockbuster movies of recent times. All this makes "The Man".. well, a case could be made that it pretty much makes him one of the most important cultural figures of the century. I wouldn't make it myself, but I'm pretty sure it could be made.

So, you may ask: why have I spent a lifetime maligning this inspirational figure? As indeed I have, I must confess. It's clearly a generational issue. By the time I was a kid, reading comics, those glory days of creativity and innovation of the 60's were long gone. Stan Lee was just this vaguely creepy old guy who sort of hung around the place but never really did anything. He hadn't actually written anything in years; my only exposure to the man's talents was a short-lived series he wrote called 'Ravage 2099' which was... well, I'm at a loss for words, really. It was about a binman or something, only he was a werewolf, only he was a superhero, and it was like, in the future, and... oh, fuck it, who cares? The important point is that it was absolute undiluted SHIT. Cost a quid to buy, took five minutes to read, yet the memory of it can still cause me irritation and discomfort several years later. Bad karma for Stan!

Still, lets forget about that. I have recently had the pleasure of reading through a pile of 'Essential Spider-Man' collections. These massive phone-book sized volumes reprint, on cheap-and-cheerful newsprint, all the classic Marvel comics of the 1960s that to buy in their original form would cost so much I'd have to think seriously about selling my mother into white slavery. And, to be frank, I doubt I'd even make enough for a McDonalds value meal, let alone a Very Fine copy of Amazing Fantasy 15. These comics reveal an emormously talented writer, one who combines an advanced analytical understanding of the demands and requirements of the form with a wild, ceaselessly inventive imagination. What impresses most is the formal inventiveness; the fourth wall is relentlessly beaten down in a series of running jokes and asides in the commentary that show a remarkable grasp of postmodernism for a 1960s throwaway comic book for children. (Interesting fact I never knew - Marvel Comics actually jumped onto the cultural zeitgeist with both feet and changed its name, for a couple of heady months in 1964, to Marvel Pop Art Productions!) And, of course, they work perfectly as straightforward hero-fights-villain adventure stories; suffused with an irrepresible sense of fun and a hilarious line in 60's hipster dialogue. Everyone calls each other 'Dad', it's great!

So, on the one hand, he is a fabulously skillful writer who has created a pantheon of modern-day myths and legends which have brought satisfaction and delight to entire generations and look set to do so long into the future. But, on the other hand, he's also a self-promoting egomaniac with delusions of grandeur, there have always been questions about the extent to which he took the credit for the creativity and inspiration of his artistic partners, and as anyone who has seen Mallrats can attest, he is a shit actor. All of which would be forgivable, if not for the fact that he wrote 'Ravage 2099'.


5.8/10

Cut

(Film)



JAMES says:

Basically an Australian Scream Rip-Off, only lacking any of the irony or wit or tension. In a plot I can only assume is adapted from a Virginia Woolf short story some film students decide to finish making a slasher film that was left unfinished a decade earlier when the guy that was playing the slasher murdered the director, as she said he was rubbish. However, in a Sixth-Sense style twist, when the kids begin making the film, someone dressed as the slasher starts killing people. This is a genius move, as it allows the people who are about to get killed to go ‘Bob, stop kidding around’ (Bob was the actor playing the slasher in the remake) before being killed. Every single time. It sums up the greatness of the film that when the killer is unmasked he turns out to be the ‘creative energy’ of the last film(!?!). I confess I didn’t stick this one out to the bitter end, but I would be quite surprised if they managed to do anything in the last 10 minutes to make it worthwhile. Unless, it turned out that they were actually making a film about making the film! How ironic would that have been! The only reason I can think of for this movie existing is if you have to get from Molly Ringwald to Kylie Minogue in ‘Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.’

1.2/10

Aristotle's Doctrine of the Mean

(Ethical theory)

NEILL says:

So-so, frankly.


5/10

Vanilla Ice Cream flavoured Monster Munch

(Snack)



Guest Reviewer of the Week MICHAEL GOLDREI says:

We’ve all been there…you’re queuing in the local Spar supermarket - packet of Quavers in one hand, Double Decker in the other – thinking what a dull existence we lead with our limited range of breakfast snack products. Then, from the corner of your eye, you glimpse a previously unseen combination of fluorescent colours glowing from one of the packets near the counter. That’s right – it’s the Limited Edition snack! From Alien Smarties, to Dark chocolate Mars Bars, or even ‘Zero G’ (a transparent-packaged canned drink that was only available in a small newsagent in Manchester four years ago, which resembled a lava lamp and tasted of frog spawn), we’ve been unable to resist their charms.

Since my early teens, I have been a compulsive follower of all things limited edition, and prices for David Dickinson-shaped Pez dispensers* on auction websites such as ebay, have only confirmed that I am not the only addict.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Vanilla Ice Cream flavoured Monster Munch has ended this habit. It’s the most disgusting ‘food’ product I’ve ever tasted and will make me think twice next time I spot a packet of Bolognese flavoured Rolos.

0/10

*These don’t really exist. Yet.

Ramen

(Noodle Soup)



JAMES says:

It's noodles, it's soup, it's noodle soup. Plus vegetable, plus meat, the whole caboodle. Presumably all in soup form because the Japanese never invented the knife (despite all their immensely cool swords, go figure). Ramen had for a long time been in my pantheon of unobtainable and so ultra-desirable food, alongside stuff like Twinkies and Oreo cereal. And, in a sadly familiar scenario, when I did get it was pretty much a disappointment. The only thing that ever lived up to my food expectations was Taco Bell, which is ace, but that's another review. Anyway, I've had Ramen both inside and outside of Japan, and while nice enough, it has never been much better than steak in a bowl of super noodles made with too much water. It's not a classic food combination, and has the downside of spraying soup all over yourself when you eat it. It's very filling, but I'm never sure of the etiquette of how much you are supposed to leave. You don't have that problem with a big mac. Not something I would ever bother to cook for myself, and I think there are nicer things to order in Japanese restaurants.

Now, if only I could find myself some Sukiyaki!


5.4/10

Young Jump

(Weekly comics digest)



NEILL says:

You may or may not be aware of this, but the medium of comics has something of an image problem in this country. The popular perception of a comics reader is basically Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons: an overweight and deeply unattractive social inadequate, male, emotionally retarded, who probably still lives with his Mum. This appalling negative stereotype is all the more tragic for its sheer wrong-headedess; the average comics reader is in fact a lot more like your ever-loving blue-eyed reviewer: a suave sexy motherfucker who could kick your ass without breaking a sweat, and still lives with his Mum. It is a source of great consternation amongst the suave sexy motherfucker community that we seem to be stuck with this regrettable cultural ghettoisation. An example that is often held up by way of contrast is that of Japan, where comics are read by all sections of society from salaryman to schoolgirl, and in massive numbers. I have grown up with this shining mythical image of a tube train in Japan with all the passengers reading comics openly, without fear of social exclusion or reprisal sarcasm. And I have always wanted to be on that train, to be one of those passengers.

I was enormously happy then to be able to tick one box off the 'lifelong dream' list when I boarded a train back to my hotel on the Ginza line, clutching the copy of Young Jump I had recently bought at the station shop from a very nice newsagent man who had seemed awfully concerned and had gone out of his way to make clear to me that the comic I was buying was, you know, in Japanese.

I am pleased to report that there were indeed salarymen, schoolgirls and indeed old ladies sitting reading comics. And, taking Young Jump as an example (it seemed a fairly popular choice), I can offer the following TOP FIVE reasons why comics in Japan enjoy such fantastic success compared to the anglo-american varieties.

1) They're CHEAP!
2) They're BIG and FAT!
3) They're VARIED!
4) They're FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY WELL DRAWN!
5) They have TITS IN!

Anyway. One lifelong dream down. Now I just need to win the DMC world championships, attain the power of flight, meet Thelonious Monk and persuade Kitty Pryde to stop being a fictional character and come out for a drink. But where to start?

7/10

Urusei Yatsura

(Animated comedy series based on the long-running manga by Rumiko Takahashi)



JAMES says:

Literally ‘Those Obnoxious Aliens.’ That should be enough for you, a TV show about obnoxious aliens. If it isn’t, I suppose I should delve a little deeper. Based on the Manga of Rumiko Takahashi, who also created Ranma ½, the basic plot revolves around Ataru, a hopeless lech, and Lum, the horned bikini clad alien who loves him. And thence the humour arises. But that’s not all, there is a supporting cast who cause emotional or physical pain to Ataru at any given opportunity, including a wizened little monk, an incredibly rich and handsome rival, a girl next door, numerous bikini-clad alien women (bikini’s were ultrafashionable in space in the 80’s, and still are for all I know) and many, oh so many more. Oh, and a giant cat, who never actually seems to do anything, but is always there. Unlike Western cartoons, UY was never content to have a static cast, and was constantly evolving and adding, as witnessed by the group shoots that seem to end all the movies, usually chasing after Ataru. I don’t know who they all are, as the videos rather inconveniently stopped in the UK with only about 8 of the 50-odd volumes available, but are all endearingly odd.

The strength of UY lies in the combination of humour with strong characters that you care about, and bikinis. A lot of the jokes run along a few certain formulas, eg. Someone, usually Mendou, will make an incredibly dramatic/overwrought speech, before something happens to break the tension and make them pull a funny face. But, even though you know this is going to happen every time, the timing is always so impeccably done that it is always funny. There are a fair few jokes about Japanese politics or culture which will pass over most Westerners heads (explanatory liner notes and humour do not really mix), but for my money this is balanced out by the humour of the bizarre, with many moments which are just inexplicable. To my mind at least.

One of the good bits, however, is that some of the odder moments are not just wilful obscurity, by come from UY’s basis in Japanese folklore and the Shinto religion. That small child with an axe riding a bear? Why, he’s a Japanese god, of course. The section where Lum’s family compete with a staggeringly odd collection of misfits to throw beans into a giant set of scales is based on a traditional method of chasing off evil spirits. Therefore, not only is it a wacky screwball comedy, but you also learn about another culture's history and tradition. Although it has its limits, as I found out to my disappointment when visiting the shrine of Benten in Ueno Park I found no gun wielding, space-bike riding babes.

I think Urusei Yatsura is certainly a better anime than Ranma, which is surprising as the Manga of Ranma is by far the btter of the two. However, Ranma the TV series chooses to emphasis the soap opera aspects of the comic, at the expense of the comedy, whereas UY balances the two perfectly. And to those of you who wonder why I’m wasting your time reviewing something that hasn’t been on release for years, I say, seek and ye shall find. You can buy the TV series on region 1 DVD on play.com, and eBay often has old copies of the UK videos at bargain basement-ish price. Or you could come round mine, I’ve got loads of them on video. So, get out there and make it ‘Weird and Weird, Super-weird!’


8.9/10

NEILL says:

And what other obscure cartoon series can claim to have lent its name to a successful Glasgow indy band? Except Belle & Sebastian.

9.2/10