Brighton Restaurant Reviews

by JAMES

Oki-Nami

I am going to come clean straight away. The reason why I am going to review these restaurants is in the hope that word gets around that I might be reviewing a place and then maybe the serving staff would give me some goddamn respect. Hence the picture. There, that’s my face, remember it well waiters of England. It would be nice to get some kind of return for all this (admittedly minimal) effort I’m putting in.

Anyway, with interests fully declared, Oki-Nami. It’s a Japanese restaurant, as you may have guessed, in Brighton, and its fab. It is the ideal luncheon venue in that it is cheap, cheerful and with quite quick service. My companion and I both dined from the special lunch menu (we were there at lunch time, by the way), and were both very happy. The staff were pleasant and affable, maybe having recognised me, and the building was a lovely regency affair with twisty staircases. Any excess waiting was softened by the chopstick wrappers which doubled as origami patterns. My companion D had the very last tempura vegetables whilst I had pork belly (and is it just me, or is the pigs tummy the only thing they seem to be serving anywhere these days) with noodles.

For afters I had Japanese Millionaire’s Shortbread, though the only oriental element seemed to be some green ginger, and D had green tea ice cream which was refreshing but disappointingly not Tempuraed as promised. All washed down with plum wine and sake, enough to make me fairly giddy in the afternoon. My only criticism (apart from my other criticisms), was that there was a baby seated on the table behind us who uncannily mimicked both the looks and actions of our own child whom we had fled to the South Coast to escape from.

7.6/10

Alexander’s Gastronomy

It might undermine my apparent objectivity but we did appear to visit the two best restaurants in Brighton. Even if you were resident there you might not be aware of Alexander’s, located as it is off the main drag up and in the basement of one of the little hotels on the Old Steine. It is definitely worth the trip, as it is probably the finest restaurant I have ever dined in. It might be due to the fact that this is one of the first times I overcame my natural thriftiness and chose not to dine in a restaurant of the sort described above.

Or it might be all the booze we drunk.

Whatever the reason, it was great. There was a distinct lack of atmosphere caused by the remaining tables being filled by couples who seemed to have looked upon the place as a neutral location where they could sit and scowl in silence all night. But the waiter chap was friendly, and the toilets where Bali themed and reached through a secret passage, which I think is important. But most of all there is the food, the sort of food you wish could be conjured into reality by the sheer power of your memory, as memory could only ever be a cold reflection of the majesty of the process of eating.

I would warn you, though, don’t go if you’re a vegetarian. From the mighty amuse-bouche of pancetta on black pudding it was a big meaty fishy treat. I had my first ever lobster bisque as a starter, but it was the mains that really shone. Excellent ingredients cooked excellently seems to be the secret. My main was really three, a superb goose breast, a hare confit and some stuff which I never quite worked out what it was but tasted fine. As a special bonus I also got to eat my companion’s crackling as she had misread the menu. Eating other people’s food always gives it a little touch of specialness, which pushed this pork belly (see!) into the pork stratosphere.

The wine list was magnificent (we went for a sparkling wine from nearby Ditchling), the music was so good I begun to get paranoid that the guy had just nicked my iPod and put it on shuffle and the waiter (who turned out to actually be Alexander in the end) was very welcoming and enthusiastic when explaining the food. Also, by lasting three hours it solved our dilemma of what to do after dinner. We went to bed and watched TV.
Finally, a tip. Pretend you’re staying at the nearby Sea Spray hotel and get 10% of the bill (or actually do stay there, it’s great and has an Elvis themed room).

9.5/10

Delifrance

As if to punish us for such fine food, our final meal on the train home was straight from the anus of Satan. Due to my usual underestimation of how long it takes to travel by foot between locations and my insistence on having a hot cookies and cream milkshake (big mistake) we were unable to have fish and chips on the beach. My companion D was not best pleased as we ended up in East Croydon at 3pm still unlunched, so we decided to use our 10 minutes between trains to check out the culinary options available to us.

There weren’t many, but on a platform side Delifrance there were some surprisingly inviting looking Croque Monsuiers. Sure they were expensive, costing about as much as our tempura/pork tummy noodles the day before, but they were ham sandwiches with melty cheese on them, what could go wrong? The fact that they had a consistency more akin to bodily fluids than actual food, and a taste that could only have been reached by several months of consultancy, focus groups and hours spent in the lab trying to come up with the flavours most likely to cause someone to pull a face combining disdain and disgust.

I wonder if the whole thing is a cunning French satire on fast food?

Yuk.

0.5/10

Ginsters New York Style Steak and Cheese Pasty

(Pasty)



NEILL says:

Ah, New York. What is the definitive flavour of such a multifaceted and vibrant city? A glistening slice of Pepperoni pizza from Lombardis? A pastrami-laden bagel from the Westway Diner on 9th? Or is it, perhaps, the taste of stodgy pastry, cold potatoes and a few scant morsels of greyish mechanically recovered meat, bundled together into the conveniently portable form of a Cornish Pasty?

Of course it is the latter. For a true taste of NYC, the knowledgeable modern gastrosexual-about-town knows not to bother with all the faff of transatlantic flights, currency exchanges and hilarious cultural misunderstandings when you mention your intention to "pop out for a fag", but simply to head to their nearest shabbily-appointed corner shop or 24-hour garage and pick up a Ginster's "New York Style" Steak and Cheese Pasty. Cleverly exploiting the often-overlooked culinary and cultural affinity between New York and Cornwall, this superlative example of modern global fusion cookery manages to send the consumer into heady international raptures; with each mouthful you will feel as if you are out on the town amidst the glamourous neon-drenched bustle of Times Square.

No wait, hang on.

It's a fucking CORNISH PASTY.


4/10

McVities Toaster Waffles

(Low-effort 'convenience' foodstuff)



NEILL says:

Imagine waking gently from a deep, long, sleep. You push yourself up from between cool and crisp white linen sheets and let your mind slowly settle. What has woken you up? Not a noise - the house is blissfully quiet, the only sound being the gentle lapping of the waves on the beach outside. The light? It's true, warm sunlight is streaming in through the windows and across the bed. But that's not it. No, it's - a smell. A wonderful, rich, delicious smell. Someone downstairs is making waffles.

That is the dream that waffles represent, and it is a dream that is heartbreakingly poignant when one's real wake-up routine involves a regular 4am leap out of bed into a pitch-black and freezing-cold house to deal with a screaming baby who has the runs. So poignant, in fact, that it can lead one to doing odd, otherwise inexplicable things. Like, for instance, buying 'Toaster Waffles'.

The actual review: they're not aggressively unpleasant. They do taste vaguely waffle-ish, which is probably the best one could hope for. There's a certain degree of sogginess that is unexpected in something that is, after all, cooked in a toaster. But they possess one unexpectedly winning quality: the smell. Not only do they make your house smell like someone has actually been making proper waffles, but that smell then lingers with an astonishing degree of persistence and causes pleasant olfactory tingles of waffliness whenever you walk into the kitchen for the rest of the day. My wife suggests that the ideal solution would be to simply toast a couple every morning and then chuck them in the bin. But I think she underestimates my desire to eat soggy toaster waffles.

7/10

Pub Lunches

(Lunches from Pubs)



JAMES says:

There used to be no stauncher supporter of pub lunches than me, what with all the meat and cheese and beer they usually involved. Plus, cheap as slightly nasty chips, and no awkwardness with tips and service. If you’d have told me that I might get a bit tired of pub lunches I would’ve laughed in your face and very possibly challenged you to a duel. But such is the position I find myself in.

The office I work in is a bit too pub lunch focused. Every Friday I am perfectly happy with, but then you have to add in people’s birthdays, after meetings, particularly sunny days, particularly boring days etc. Last week, no word of a lie, I had four pub lunches in a row (over 4 days, I hasten to add). After a while the constant cycle of fish and chips, bangers and mash and burgers oppresses the soul and the stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I try to resist. ‘I have bought sandwiches’ I cry, ‘pah’, they respond, ‘you can eat them tomorrow, you big girl.’ ‘But, I’m skint’, ‘it’s only £3, sure’, ‘I’m getting fat’ (I’m not, of course, but I was clutching at straws), ‘yes you are’, they lie in perfect harmony, ‘but burgers taste nice’. And there’s really no answer to that.

All I have to look forward to is a big pile of food, a couple of pints and a sleepy afternoon. Which isn’t so bad, I suppose.

6.5/10

Lou's Homemade Raspberry Crème Brulees

(Pudding)

NEILL says:

I never knew puddings could be this way. The opulent creaminess, delicately counterpoised with the mischievous piquancy of the raspberries, and the whole set off by the sublime golden quality of the, um, burnt bit on top. Fucking belter!

9/10

Curly Wurlies

(Chocolate Bar)



GUEST REVIEWER CHRIS says:

Dr Pangloss had it right, this really is the best of all possible worlds. I mean, nothwithstanding the bad stuff like wars, famine, genocide, rape, hatred, sexual abuse, natural disasters, and Tony Hawks (not Tony Hawkes the skateboarding legend, but Tony Hawks the ‘comedian’ with an annoying voice whose greatest achievement to date has been to take a fridge around Ireland). But this is all balanced out by the presence of Curly Wurlies (apart from maybe Tony hawks).

Superior to your average chocolate bar in so many ways, one of its most endearing features is its sheer simplicity. Chocolate and caramel. That’s all it is. There’s no fannying around with biscuits, wafers, mallows, or nougats. Just chocolate and caramel. Yet Cadbury’s make it taste so goooooood. What’s more, the psychological aspect of buying such a lengthy snack (8 inches at the last count) means not only do you believe you’ve had more bar than you really have, but the experience lasts longer. The braided shape just adds to the eating experience, ensuring that not too much Curly Wurly enters your mouth at any one time, unlike the unpleasant unable-to-chew-for-toffee sensation which may come from the more substantial snack bars (mentioning no names, Biscuit Boost). And as if it could be any better, it’s even tastier in cold weather, when one is forced to snap off sections of the Curly Wurly and allow the melting process in the mouth to soften the caramel. All in all, the Curly Wurly is the reason our mouths were invented.

8.9/10

Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong

(Cough Lozenges)



NEILL says:

Yo, let me holler at y'all a minute. You see this shit? These Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong? Well let me tell you, this shit is the bomb. This is the real shit, the straight up dope shit. This some hardcore gangsta cough lozenge shit. Knawwhaaamsayin? Better aks somebody.

For real, yo: the menthol vapour action on these motherfuckers will knock yo punk ass out. You know, I can handle mine, knawwhaaamsayin, but check this: I dropped two of these motherfuckers and I was one doped-up smoked-out sorry ass motherfucker. Seriously, yo. Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong: this shit will fuck yo ass up. Recognise.

Don't be coming here getting all up in my shit with your 'Lockets' shit. Lockets? Bitch please. Lockets be on some silly bitch shit. And don't even start with that Cherry-flavour Tunes shit. Bitch, I pity you. I'm telling you, man, Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong be the shit. For real.

7/10

Cream n' Cheesy Flavour Nik-naks

(Snack Product)



NEILL says:

I have no idea why anyone would want to spunk on a Wotsit then leave the results out in the sun for a week; perhaps as part of some bizarre homoerotic public school initiation rite, or as a grotesque revenge on a cheating partner. In any event, that is apparently what the bastards have done, and Lo they have given unto this Horror a name, and that name is Cream n' Cheesy Flavour Nik-Naks.

Just fucking nasty.

2/10

Frosted Lucky Charms

(Breakfast Cereal)



JAMES says:

They’re magically delicious. Or at least they were ‘til evil evil Nestle took them away from us. I don’t blame them, though, I blame you all. You had cereal perfection, and you didn’t appreciate it. You’re not good enough for this world.

8.6/10

Burger King's NEW Winter Whopper!

(Burger)



NEILL says:

There has been much furore in the press recently over the issue of junk food and its negative effects on the health of the nation's youth. Concerned cultural commentators have suggested that the television advertising of fatty snacks, drinks and fast food should be restricted or banned altogether during childrens programming. This seems to me an example of the worst sort of insidious pseudo-liberal fascism and as such I am, predictably, entirely for it. The one caveat I would offer is that the proposals do not go far enough; okay, fine, protect the children, but what about that other group in society who are far more vulnerable and susceptible to these evils? I speak of course of the hungover. Over the duration of the Sunday morning 'Hollyoaks' omnibus, I estimate that one would see the Burger King 'Winter Whopper' advert at least 170,000 times. (This figure presupposes the viewer having the mental fortitude and lack of discrimination to watch said omnibus in its entirety, which is of course absurd, but the point remains.) Who among us has the strength to resist target marketing of such persistence and cynical ninja precision? Well, obviously not me. Anyway, the Winter Whopper: quite nice really, in an artery-clogging self-loathing creeping-sense-of-dread-for-western-civilisation kind of way. Possibly a bit too much mustard.

5.3/10

Tapioca

(Pudding)



JAMES says:

Never eaten it.

How do you start a pudding race? Say go! (Sago)

?/10

Selection of Fish Sandwiches

by Marks and Spencer
(Sandwiches)



Guest-reviewer-of-the-week Laura Naldrett for the The London School of Contemporary Dance Sandwich Review Panel says:

In this sweltering weather, my colleagues and I felt compelled to seek out the nearest park to indulge in a lunchtime picnic. In the course of this we had occasion to sample some picnic fare by that finest of purveyors Marks and Spencers™, namely a selection of the fish sandwiches.

Let us begin with Poached Salmon and Rocket, a balanced meal within a sandwich, as we all know how important it is to eat our greens. Our panel found that this was one of the most popular sandwiches on the day due to its subtle flavour, delicate texture and super tasty bread. Rocket is a firm favourite with the panel so the inclusion of this alongside this perfectly poached fish earned a definite thumbs up!

Secondly, we have the classic Cream Cheese and Smoked Salmon. Our panel found this slightly stodgy but not unpleasant. The classic combination of the cream cheese and smoked salmon was a winner but it was felt that the sandwich as a whole could have been more tender as it verged on the chewy.

Our last example was the ubiquitous Prawn and Mayonnaise, my personal favourite, however there were mixed feelings on this. One of the reviews refused to test this offering on the grounds that she didn't like prawns because they look like embryos and another was a strong supporter of adding lettuce to this combination to make it more akin to prawn cocktail. Virtues were pointed out such as the oatmeal bread (it just doesn't work with white, strangely) and the generous amount of filling.

Overall, the selection rates highly with the panel on the grounds that there was something to suit everyone's taste. However, none of us were brave enough to try the mixed seafood sandwich (crabsticks and prawns) so the jury is still out on that one.

7.4 / 1o

Vanilla Ice Cream flavoured Monster Munch

(Snack)



Guest Reviewer of the Week MICHAEL GOLDREI says:

We’ve all been there…you’re queuing in the local Spar supermarket - packet of Quavers in one hand, Double Decker in the other – thinking what a dull existence we lead with our limited range of breakfast snack products. Then, from the corner of your eye, you glimpse a previously unseen combination of fluorescent colours glowing from one of the packets near the counter. That’s right – it’s the Limited Edition snack! From Alien Smarties, to Dark chocolate Mars Bars, or even ‘Zero G’ (a transparent-packaged canned drink that was only available in a small newsagent in Manchester four years ago, which resembled a lava lamp and tasted of frog spawn), we’ve been unable to resist their charms.

Since my early teens, I have been a compulsive follower of all things limited edition, and prices for David Dickinson-shaped Pez dispensers* on auction websites such as ebay, have only confirmed that I am not the only addict.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Vanilla Ice Cream flavoured Monster Munch has ended this habit. It’s the most disgusting ‘food’ product I’ve ever tasted and will make me think twice next time I spot a packet of Bolognese flavoured Rolos.

0/10

*These don’t really exist. Yet.

Ramen

(Noodle Soup)



JAMES says:

It's noodles, it's soup, it's noodle soup. Plus vegetable, plus meat, the whole caboodle. Presumably all in soup form because the Japanese never invented the knife (despite all their immensely cool swords, go figure). Ramen had for a long time been in my pantheon of unobtainable and so ultra-desirable food, alongside stuff like Twinkies and Oreo cereal. And, in a sadly familiar scenario, when I did get it was pretty much a disappointment. The only thing that ever lived up to my food expectations was Taco Bell, which is ace, but that's another review. Anyway, I've had Ramen both inside and outside of Japan, and while nice enough, it has never been much better than steak in a bowl of super noodles made with too much water. It's not a classic food combination, and has the downside of spraying soup all over yourself when you eat it. It's very filling, but I'm never sure of the etiquette of how much you are supposed to leave. You don't have that problem with a big mac. Not something I would ever bother to cook for myself, and I think there are nicer things to order in Japanese restaurants.

Now, if only I could find myself some Sukiyaki!


5.4/10

Minced Beef

(Meat)



JAMES says:

Ah, Minced Beef! Is there any finer ingredient? Just think of the dishes it makes possible – Spaghetti Bolognaise, Tacos, Meatballs, Lasagne, Enchiladas, Burgers, Picadillo, American Hot Pizzas, everything I eat, basically. It is unlikely I would’ve made it through my student years without it. It’s so much better than unground-down cow, which is more expensive and usually chewy. Plus, with mince, you can make it any shape you want, instead of having to go along with the boring cow parts that nature gives us. Any combination of mince, cheese and tomato and you’re basically onto a winner. It’s not the healthiest or most environmentally friendly food stuff, but it’s so good who cares? Mmmm… Just the thought of lovely frying mince smells is making my mouth water. God puts lots of trials and tragedy into this brief and meagre existence we call life, but he balanced them with mince. So give the guy a break, eh? If there’s any downside to mince, it’s that you can’t really have it for pudding, but I think that’s a barrier that’s bound to fall soon.

9/10