Neill Fights The Zombies

(Dream)



NEILL says:

This 2008 production follows the action-horror template familiar from films such as 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead and recent Will Smith turdfest I Am Legend, in that it follows the story of a world ravaged by a virus-based zombie apocalypse, and the efforts of one survivor (in this case 31-year old comics illustrator Neill Cameron) to survive. The story opens with our hero finding himself as the last man in a zombie-overrun New York, and having to fight his way home to his wife and child in East Oxford through endless hordes of the shambling undead.

Utterly derivative in conception, this dream relies upon and indulges in every zombie-movie cliche there is. The plot is largely abandoned for long stretches where Neill simply shoots at zombies and makes their heads explode, a spectacle that offers certain visceral thrills at first but begins to pall after the 1,000th repetition or so. Worse than this, however, are the frequent bizarre lapses in narrative logic. The protagonists tense struggle to survive is suddenly forgotten for an extended sequence where he boards a Concorde flight from New York to London and spends an interminable amount of time deciding what to have from an absurdly opulent onboard buffet. Later in the story events take on an even stranger turn when our hero apparently forgets the zombie threat altogether and spends an inexplicable amount of time running around a London Underground station searching for a place to urinate. And just when this quest is building to a climax, the story ends abruptly, with no sense of closure or completion to events whatsoever.

Sloppy, uninspired and shambolically executed. Still about 70 times better than I Am Legend, though.

5.4/10

The Avenger-Archers

(Soap opera storyline)



NEILL says:

I woke up this morning thinking about the recent 'superheroes' storyline on popular Radio 4 agrarian-based soap opera The Archers, and thinking 'ooh, I must write a review about that'. I thought it might be of interest to some of our readership to hear about this unusual ongoing plotline, in which several popular Ambridge residents gained superpowers loosely analogous to those of Marvel Comics' premiere superteam The Avengers (David Archer was the thinly-veiled Captain America analogue, Emma Grundy Spider-Woman, and so on). In this everyday tale of superpowered village folk, they banded together to fight crime and global terrorism, with a particular focus on corrupt agribusiness and evil genetically modified crops. And of course, lots and lots of parish council meetings about it all.

And then I woke up a bit more, and thought "the Archers' recent 'superheroes' storyline? Have I gone fucking insane?"

Still, it really was a cracking dream.

4.2/10
(Points deducted for not actually existing.)

Facebook

(Social Networking Site)



JAMES says:

Facebook is very similar to Reality, the original social networking site. You end up friends with lots of people you don’t actually like, and seem to spend all your time dealing with them as opposed to those people you genuinely have affection for. Also, you only get out what you put in, yet if you’re anything like me you put in the absolutely bare minimum and then spend your time annoyed that everyone has more friends than you. Finally, like life it is fun to begin with but soon becomes a bit of a chore. And it’s ultimately pointless and a waste of time. Have I run this metaphor into the ground enough yet? It’s also full of trivia and boasting but empty of anything approaching significance. That ought to do it.

4.7/10

A Slight Return

Many years ago two naive and insightful young men started a website, with nothing more than a domain name, a pirated copy of Photoshop and a burning desire to categorise the relative merits of every single one of God's creations. Thus was born Unified Review Theory, and it succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

Assuming their wildest dreams were that not even their wives would read it.

Which they weren't.

Eventually, however, these brave young arbiters of taste reached a stage in their career where they no longer had enough spare time at work to trawl the internet for pictures of Luke Cage, Power Man. Loathe to waste their own free time on the site, it eventually petered out in a whimper of mediocre guest reviewers and lazy one liners. And, for a while, silence.

Seasons past, mortgages were arranged and babies were born. But the reviewing urge, once awakened, is not so easy to put back in the box. With no legitimate outlet for these tendencies they found themselves furtively giving their co-workers marks out of 10, debating the finer points of each new wave of McDonalds limited edition burgers into the small hours and being overly critical of their own children's achievements. Eventually they could fight it no longer, they must resurrect URT.

So, prepare yourself to have your opinions belittled as Neill and James return in...

Unified Review Theory II: The Harrowing

The Thirteen Problems

by Agatha Christie
(Collection of Miss Marple Short Stories)



JAMES says:

“I have a problem for you to mull over” Colonel Twodimensional leant back in his armchair as the rest of the group of unlikely friends held their breath in anticipation. “Some guy disappeared and everyone thought it was some other guy that had killed him and stuff”

“Well, “ said the token female smugly, “I think it was actually that other guy’s friend”

“What about you Miss Marple?”

“Don’t ask her, she’s just a silly old woman”

Miss Marple’s cheeks turned pink. “I may be just be a silly woman but this very much reminds me of the time a very implausible thing happened to Mrs Green the Grocer’s Wife, that didn’t really make any sense when you think about it, and it was actually that midget that you mentioned briefly at the start who killed him and stuff”

“Well, actually I improbably ran into the midget a bit later and he told me that was exactly what happened. And then he died”
Repeat x13

I think you take my point.

2/10

October 2005 - October 2008 (inclusive)

(Period of time)

NEILL says:

Bit of a mixed bag, really.

8/10

Toilet Paper

NEILL says:

The best thing in the world, ever. And if think you disagree, you have never experienced the alternative.

9.9/10

Screen 4, Odeon George Street, Oxford

(Cinema Screen)



NEILL says:

Screen 4 at the George Street Odeon is, apparently, the dumping ground for the not-quite-blockbusters, the movies that are fated to garner neither record-breaking opening weekends nor awards-ceremony glory, but which will probably pull in a few punters on a Saturday night. The ‘Van Helsings’ of this world, basically. The general atmosphere is of squalor and disappointment; the whole place smells like a male locker room, you can hear the ‘click-click-click’ of the projector over any quieter scenes in the film, half the seats are broken and worst of all, the ultimate degradation: there are no cup-holders. I’m sorry, I have to hold my own cup? If I wanted to hold my own cup I’d go to the Phoenix and watch an artistically challenging Algerian movie about Lesbians being stoned to death. I’m here to see a big explosive Hollywood piece of crap, and by God I want a place to set down my absurdly large beverage! The whole place sends a message to the cinemagoer that says “you wanted to see this piece of shit, this is all you deserve”. Which is fair enough I suppose, but dash it all, surely paying seven quid to watch ‘Hellboy’ is a harsh enough moral lesson for one evening.

3.6/10

Blogs

(Online Diaries)



JAMES says:

Curious by the ‘next blog’ button at the top of this very page, and slightly bored one afternoon, I decided to take a random trip through the many people who, like us, have decided to make www.blogspot.com/ the home for their random witterings. It is an enlightening experience, almost like a voyage into the collective unconciousness, and you can’t help but learn a few things about the human condition.

Firstly, the standard of written English has deteriorated considerably in the first few years. Secondly, if given a public forum, the vast majority of people will use it to talk exclusively about themselves. Maybe unsurprisingly given the nature of the medium.

Unfortunately there seem to be more people writing than people reading. The whole thing is one-way, it is a collection of ‘0 comments’. But it doesn’t really matter. That these things are written, have a reality, however ephemeral, means they have an existence even without anyone observing them.

At first there is very little of interest. People talking about their own lives are never that interesting, whether in the office or on the internet. However, the cumulative effect is fascinating, and it was quite hard to stop my travel in blogland. You are drawn in by all the raw emotion, the anger and joy, then pain and suffering. It is hard to look at all this and not feel a compassion for humanity, for all its sham and drudgery. Much like the character in Nathanael West’s ‘Miss Lonelyhearts’

So, what can we tell about humanity if we extrapolate these findings? Basically, people are self-obsessed, tragic but basically loveable tykes. But be thankful that you have found the exception to the rule, a blog with interest, humour and punctuation. And the occasional rant.

4.3/10

Black Mischief

by Evelyn Waugh
(Novel)



JAMES says:

The effect of reading Waugh to a hardened Wodehouse-phile such as I is very disconcerting. The style has many similarities, and the milieu of feckless upper class young folk between the wars adds to the sense of familiarity. This just means that certain things end up feeling plain wrong. For instance, people have sex in Waugh books, something not even really hinted at by Wodehouse. Though we all know what went on with Jeeves and Wooster behind closed doors.

Also, while Wodehouse took in the world with a good hearted gaze, there is a distinct misanthropy, and certainly racism, underlying Waugh. While I certainly wouldn’t condemn a book this old for it’s attitude, it can impact on enjoyment.

If I were able to take Black Mischief on it’s own, then I would probably think it a fine book. It is certainly funny, and an engaging read. It also has the added benefit of informing you about the mood of the times, and making the period come alive. However, the darkness, especially in the ending, just seems so wrong that this book actually disturbed me. It was like finding the mutilated corpse of Richard Briers.

5.9/10