Morrisons’ Christmas Dinner Pizza

(Christmas Pizza)



JAMES says:

Only 2 reviews in and already the rule book is out the window! Not that there is a world of difference between the modern sandwich and pizza, both being doughy arrangements existing to showcase the ingenuity, or lack thereof, of the additional ingredients. The Unified Review Theory overview of Christmas snacks is a broad church and does not discriminate against any as long as they contain turkey and stuffing.

It must have been an exciting moment in the Morrison’s food labs when they squared the circle of how to combine Christmas with pizzas. This they did by adding the key ingredients of a Christmas dinner, namely cooked turkey, stuffing, bacon, cranberry, cheddar cheese and tomato sauce, to a pizza base. The genius, you see, is in the simplicity. The finished article is maybe less than the sum of its parts, and those parts are fairly lacklustre to begin with, but you have to reward their demented genius.

Better still was the cheese board pizza, but that is a whole other review.

6.8/10

Starbucks 'Turkey Feast' Sandwich

(Christmas Sandwich)



NEILL says:

December! When the shelves of our nation's supermarkets, coffee shops, petrol stations and pharmacists fill up with that most deliciously festive of foodstuffs, the Christmas Sandwich! Indeed, the sheer preponderence of competing Christmas Sandwiches may seem bewildering to the uninitiated consumer. If only - if ONLY - there were some way to gain an objective and thoughtful comparison of the numerous varieties of Christmas Sandwich available, in order to make an informed and correct decision about which Christmas Sandwich to eat.

Thankfully, Unified Review Theory has returned for it's latest and most socially useful undertaking to date - The Grand Christmas Sandwich Review, 2010. As part of this project, Neill and James Cameron will set about the difficult and thankless task of eating a whole bunch of Christmas Sandwiches, from all the leading high street retailers, and telling you which one is best.

We begin our noble humanitarian undertaking with the Starbucks 'Turkey Feast', an appropriate starting point in that it exemplifies perfectly the standard attributes of the typical British High Street Christmas Sandwich. The basic elements of Christmas Sandwichiness are there - Turkey breast and stuffing, along with a selection of standard sandwich ingredients to round out the proposition - in this case mayonnaise, beechwood smoked bacon and baby spinach leaves. And there in a nutshell you have it all; both the glory of the Christmas Sandwich and the inevitable mild disappointment of these prepackaged homogenised commercial versions. The True Christmas Sandwich - the sandwich you actually make with leftovers of your Christmas dinner - is, as all right-thinking gourmands realise, the Single Greatest Foodstuff God Ever Bequeathed Onto His Creation. The sheer glory of the True Christmas Sandwich makes me indirectly grateful for the existence of Christianity. And yet all commercially available Christmas Sandwiches can only ever be a pale reflection of this glory. In an attempt to pander to the mass market, they tone down the sandwich's noble excesses and substitute bland conformity. For example, what is mayonnaise doing in this sandwich when everyone knows that Cold Leftover Gravy makes a far finer condiment. And I submit that no-one has ever made themselves a nice sandwich with the remnants of their Christmas dinner and thought, you know what? This would be better with a bit of spinach in.

Still, for all that: it was okay. Better than most Starbucks sandwiches, but doomed by its nature to remind one of the far, far greater sandwich that awaits us all in a mere month's time.

Bit dry, maybe. Could have used a little extra seasoning.

6/10

URT Podcast 007 - The Dark Prince of Froot Loops

“Batman!”

In this special grim and gritty edition of Unified Review Theory, Neill and James brood their way through reviews of The Dark Knight, William Shakespeare’s Hamlet and, um... Froot Loops. Neill also attempts to break the record for the number of times someone says “Batman” in a podcast, whilst James’s family attempt to kill each other.

Episode 7 - The Dark Prince of Froot Loops

Unified Review Theory

Download mp3 | Visit podcast page

Show Notes 007:

• The Dark Knight was 2008, James was right
• Heath Ledger was in Home & Away, so that’s almost Batman
• James would like to apologise to everyone else in the world for calling them chumps. Though, y’know, if the cap fits.
• Nestor Carbonell played the Mayor in the Dark Knight, as well as that guy in Lost and the love interest post-Judd Nelson in Suddenly Susan. Check out his work and eye-lashes here! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004801/
• Neill has never marked the Dark Knight, once more he is misremembering.
• James REALLY needs to get a better microphone.
• The angry background shouting is Debbie (Mrs James) berating Lex (James Jnr) for violence.
• Hamlet was based on the 13th Century Viking legend Amleth, apparently.
• Froot Loops do not seem to be available in France, but are in Germany.
• You can follow URT on Twitter! Tweet-sized reviews at @urtheory, Neill at @neillcameron, and James at @pretzelsncheese.

Final Scores-

• The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller 5.75/10
• The Dark Knight 4.6/10
• The Cowboy Wally version of Hamlet 9.5/10
• Hamlet 6/10
• Froot Loops 7.5/10
  

URT Podcast Special: BATTLE OF THE DECADES!

"There were some terrorists, which was bad, and then there was Doctor Who, which was good."

In this VERY SPECIAL New Year's Eve-recorded episode of Unified Review Theory, Neill and James are joined by special guests Mrs. Neill and Mrs. James (or "Di" and "Debbie" as they seem to prefer being known) for an in-depth round-table discussion in which we not only review recently-completed decade The 2000s in their entirety, but also contrast and compare them with The 1990s, and also The 1810s for good measure.

Join us for a fascinating and only slightly exhausting debate which covers such diverse topics as the unexpected outcomes of the Last Great Time War, Opium Eating and why it is 'a boy thing', why Neill is clever and the other three are idiots for not liking Harry Potter, and whether the global climate of fear, tension and hostility precipitated by the rise of international terrorism was a Good Thing or a Bad Thing. You'll be surprised! (Note: you probably won't be surprised.)

Download MP3
Visit Podcast Page

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Show Notes:

• 90's BBC sitcom Mulberry did in fact really happen. We didn't dream it.You can read about it here.
  
• Yeah, sound quality is appalling again. Sorry.
• To begin to list the errors, omissions and factual inaccuracies contained in this podcast would be a herculean effort, but if you feel you'd like to have a go, please go ahead.
  
• Look, we were a bit drunk.
• You can follow URT on Twitter! Tweet-sized reviews at @urtheory, Neill at @neillcameron, and James at @pretzelsncheese.

Final Scores:

• William Wordsworth (romantic poet): 2/10
• 2000s (decade): 5/10
• 1810s (decade): 8/10
• 1990s (decade): 8.5/10
  

URT Podcast Episode 5: Metaphysical Mario Kart Mashup!

In this HIGHLY EFFICIENT Very Special Episode of Unified Review Theory, Neill and James review popular Nintendo Wii driving game Mario Kart, while playing Mario Kart! They also review the philosophical concept of Free Will, also while playing Mario Kart. It gets confusing. Join us, won't you? Have listen here, download the mp3, subscibe on iTunes or just listen using the embedded player below!

Episode 5: Metaphysical Mario-Kart Mashup

Unified Review Theory

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Show notes and final scores:

• Neill apologises for mumbling.
• FREE WILL scores an average 6/10 (NEILL: 5/10, JAMES: 7/10)
• MARIO KART WII scores an average 7.5/10 (NEILL: 8/10, JAMES: 7/10)
• So Mario Kart is better than free will! That's one problem solved, anyway.
• Oh yeah, we reviewed The Year 2009, too. It got like, 4.5/10?
  
• You can follow URT on Twitter! Tweet-sized reviews at @urtheory, Neill at @neillcameron, and James at @pretzelsncheese.
  

The URT Podcast will be back with a special DECADE IN REVIEW roundtable discussion, as soon as possible after Hogmanay. In the meantime, why not check out some of our old episodes at the URT Podcast Page? Or don't. Whatever you like, man. Hey, back off!

Pilgrim's Progress

By John Bunyan
(Medieval Visionary Poem)



JAMES says:

(in the style of the work)

And so I had this really freaky dream, right, about this guy, right, this guy called CHRISTIAN, and he was really bummed out. He dwelt in the town of Despair, and house prices were just plummeting. There was also quite a bad write-up of the place in the ‘Let’s Move to...’ section of the Guardian Magazine. He tried to talk to his wife and children about it but they, like, totally didn’t get him AT ALL. Then one day there was a ring on the door-bell. And there stood GOD-BOTHERER.

GOD-BOTHERER: Why so glum, chum?

CHRISTIAN: I don’t know, I sometimes feel, like, what’s it all about?

GOD-BOTHERER (Spotting weakness): Well, that’s because you dwell in this crappy place. Over yonder metaphorical hill there is a wonderful city with excellent amenities, a thriving cultural scene and a tram system. Also, the grass is much greener than the rubbish grass here. It is called Croydon.

CHRISTIAN: How do you know of this fabulous place?

GOD-BOTHERER: It is all written down here, in this pamphlet published by the Croydon tourism board. So therefore it must be true.

CHRISTIAN: And can I reach it?

GOD-BOTHERER: Of course, the way is open to every man with an all zone travel card. But be warned, though many set out for Croydon but few can resist the temptations of the way.

So CHRISTIAN ran in great delight to his wife and children and said to them “Rejoice, for we are to travel to Croydon!” At this they were much surprised and his wife queried the wisdom of such a move, especially as her job and all her friends were in Despair. And CHRISTIAN tried to explain how meaningless such things were next to the glory of Croydon, but they just wouldn’t listen. So he packed a suitcase, told them he was going out for cigarettes, and left.

As he set out on his journey CHRISTIAN was greeted by his friend GULLIBLE, who asked him where he journeyed.

CHRISTIAN: I am travelling to Croydon.

GULLIBLE: Is it nice?

CHRISTIAN: It has trams.

GULLIBLE: Can I come?

CHRISTIAN: I suppose so.

So together they travelled to the train station. And their hearts were gladdened when they saw that the next train to Croydon was in only 15 minutes. So they sat and waited, and the fifteen minutes came, and went, and the departures board didn’t update at all until, suddenly, their train was no longer on the departures board, and no announcement or nothing. At this point GULLIBLE got slightly narked and went home, and CHRISTIAN cursed him, and went to find a guard.

CHRISTIAN: What happened to the Croydon train? It just suddenly disappeared?

GUARD: Engineering works, I’m afraid sir. There are notices up. You’ll have to use the
Replacement Bus service.

So Christian went and found where the buses went from and got on the bus, and found a seat next to SLIGHTLY INSANE.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: Are you travelling to Croydon?

CHRISTIAN: Indeed I am.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: Do you mind if I keep you company, as I am also travelling there?

CHRISTIAN thought this was quite an odd thing to say, seeing as how everyone on the bus was going to Croydon, but he thought it would be nice to have some company, so he acquiesced.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: I think Croydon is going to be great. What are you looking forward to the most?

CHRISTIAN: The trams, definitely.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: Oh yes, me too. I think they will be lovely, all shiny and red.

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, but I think you will find that the trams are blue.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: Oh no, they’re definitely red.

CHRISTIAN: Look, it definitely says here in the ‘Visit Croydon’ brochure that they are red.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: No, that is a mistranslation of the original Dutch. It should definitely be Blue.

CHRISTIAN: No. You are wrong. And stupid. And I hate you.

SLIGHTLY INSANE: All right, no need to be a dick about it.

And he changed seats, whilst CHRISTIAN shouted “Red!” at him.

In a few hours the bus reached Slough, at which point the driver asked everyone to disembark. CHRISTIAN mentioned that the bus was supposed to be going to Croydon but the driver forcibly let it be known that this wasn’t his problem. So CHRISTIAN left the bus, and as he sat in despair he was approached by DIFFERENT BUT STILL EQUALLY VALID VIEWPOINT.

DIFFERENT BUT STILL EQUALLY VALID VIEWPOINT: What’s the matter?

CHRISTIAN: I’m trying to get to Croydon, but the trains aren’t working.

DIFFERENT BUT STILL EQUALLY VALID VIEWPOINT: Well, why don’t you go to Reading instead?

CHRISTIAN: Do they have trams?

DIFFERENT BUT STILL EQUALLY VALID VIEWPOINT: No, but there is a big stone lion.

CHRISTIAN: Really?

DIFFERENT BUT STILL EQUALLY VALID VIEWPOINT: And an annual music festival.

CHRISTIAN: Reeeeeallly?

So CHRISTIAN set off towards Reading, but as he was walking past a brothel, out came GOD-BOTHERER, looking quite shifty. He spied CHRISTIAN and called him over.

GOD-BOTHERER: Where are you going?

CHRISTIAN: Reading.

GOD-BOTHERER: Not Croydon?

CHRISTIAN: Ummm....

GOD-BOTHERER: Because we talked about this, and I’m pretty sure we decided you should go to Croydon.

CHRISTIAN: I know, but...

GOD-BOTHERER: Besides, Reading is but an imperfect reflection of the majesty that is Croydon

CHRISTIAN: Have you been to Croydon then?

GOD-BOTHERER: No, the mayor of Croydon says my work here is too useful for me to go to Croydon yet.

CHRISTIAN: You’ve actually spoken to him? The mayor of Croydon?

GOD-BOTHERER: Not spoken, but he communicates to me all the time. Through the classified adverts in local newspapers. In code. He tells me I’m special.

CHRISTIAN: OK

GOD-BOTHERER: Now, go to Croydon or the Mayor will force me to stab you.

CHRISTIAN: Alright, alright, I’m going

So Christian braved the vagaries and uncertainties of the public transport system, and eventually had reached the foul city of London, where temptations are freely available. And as he was sitting on the underground railway, idly reading an advert for cheap international telephone calls again, he caught the eye of RICHARD DAWKINS, who was wearing a loud jumper.

RICHARD DAWKINS: Hello

CHRISTIAN: Hello

RICHARD DAWKINS: I’m married to the bird from Dr Who, the one who was with Tom Baker, did you know that?

CHRISTIAN: I think I had heard that, yes.

RICHARD DAWKINS: So, where are you off to?

CHRISTIAN: Croydon

When he heard this, RICHARD DAWKINS punched CHRISTIAN in the face several times, knocking him to the ground. Then he proceeded to kick him repeatedly in the groin, before spitting on him and walking angrily off.

And then in my dream CHRISTIAN approached the great station of Victoria, where there were Deli de Frances and Burger Kings and all was rejoicing, as CHRISTIAN knew he was close to his goal. And as he waited there for his connection he saw JAMES, who was hanging around fulfilling a narrative purpose.

CHRISTIAN: This is great, isn’t it?

JAMES: Hmmm?

CHRISTIAN: I said, this is great isn’t it?

JAMES: The station?

CHRISTIAN: No, the fact that we’re so close to Croydon!

JAMES: Oh, you’re going to Croydon are you?

CHRISTIAN: Of course, that is where everyone should go, it’s obvious

JAMES: I think it’s far from obvious. Even accepting the fact that Croydon is obviously a clumsy metaphor for the Christian Heaven (and I could add, not much clumsier than in the actual work), you can’t present it as a rational choice. You have the right to believe what you want, of course, but your dogmatic certainty, backed up by personal interpretations of ambiguous texts and flawed reasoning, is deeply unbecoming. Don’t get me wrong, you have some lovely imagery, but like a lot of the bible that’s all it is. It’s poetry, and not matter how attractive poetry can never be a replacement for open-minded debate. Except for most of human history that is.

CHRISTIAN: ....Screw You.

Then he came to the platform, and asked the GUARD if this was where he should catch the train for Croydon.

GUARD: Dunno mate

CHRISTIAN: What do you mean?

GUARD: Well, there’s only one train that departs from here, everyone has to catch it, and
nobody knows where it goes because no one has ever come back. Some people think it goes to Croydon, others Brighton, it’s all guess work. If I were you I’d just enjoy the station while you’re here, get a paper, go to the pub, and don’t spend all your time worrying about where the train goes. When it’s time for you to find out, you’ll find out.

CHRISTIAN: Typical British Rail.

And then I dreamt that I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

5.2/10

Diagnosis Death

(Film)



JAMES says:

New Rule: If you are a slightly weasely looking man in his 40s, with a wrinkly, shrivelled face, and you are writing a film, do not cast yourself as the romantic lead. Especially not if you co-star is 18. Double especially do not write a scene where you take the aforementioned 18 year old’s virginity. It is just creepy. Also, if your film features Jermaine and Murray from Flight of the Conchords but they have a combined screen time of less than 3 minutes, it is slightly disingenuous to feature them in the poster of the film. Finally, your film is rubbish. This advice may not be terribly universal, but hopefully it will be taken up.

3.4/10

URT needs YOU

...to tell us what to review. That's right, our next URT podcast is going to be an ALL-REQUESTS special. James has rather foolhardily declared that we will review whatever our listeners ask us to, and so I guess we are honour-bound to do so. So if there is something which you particularly desire to hear us hold forth on for 10 minutes or so from a position of very probably absolute ignorance, just let us know! You can put your suggestions in as comments here on the blog, or via twitter (We are at @urtheory).

Looking forward to your suggestions! (And by looking forward to' I really do mean 'worried and slightly terrified by)...

Choco-Leibniz

(Biscuits. Or are they?)



NEILL says:

Choco-Leibniz is a chocolate biscuit, which bears the slogan 'More chocolate than a biscuit', which I find rather confusing. It reads like a slogan translated from another language (presumably German) to English, by someone with an imperfect grasp of one or both languages. One way of interpreting the claim is that it means:

"More chocolate than a[nother] biscuit"

... i.e. that Choco-Lebinz offers a more generous proportion of chocolate-to-biscuit than lesser alternatives such as the humble McVities digestive or Hob-Nob, and such a claim is certainly true. Another interpretation offers an even bolder proposal; it is arguable that the slogan means to imply that Choco-Leibniz is:

"More [a] chocolate than a biscuit"

... i.e. that the aforementioned chocolate: biscuit ratio is indeed so prodigious that technically the product must be classified as chocolate, rather than biscuit. But that's just silly, it's clearly a biscuit. It's on the biscuit shelf in the shop, and everything.

The clue to solving this apparently intractable riddle perhaps lies in the biscuit/chocolate's name, so we must look to the works of celebrated 17th-century German philosopher Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz for an explanation. In his 1685 Discourse On Metaphysics Leibniz introduced his famed 'predicate-in-notion' principle, which claims that every single predicate of a true contingent proposition is contained within the terms of that proposition. If we apply this to the proposition "[Choco-Leibniz is] More Chocolate than a Biscuit", we can see that the predicate 'chocolatiness' is indeed contained within the notion of 'biscuitiness' - that is, that the idea of a biscuit logically contains the possibility of a certain degree of chocolatiness. And yet there is a contradiction, precisely because of the claim that the chocolatiness of Choco-Leibniz is higher than the degree of chocolatiness permitted by the concept of 'biscuit'. Paradox inevitably ensues.

Clearly the makers of Choco-Leibniz are on very shaky metaphysical territory. Perhaps they would have been better advised to seek inspiration for their slogan in another of Leibniz's theories, the idea that the world as it exists is, despite the existence of imperfections, suffering and evil, the optimal of all possible worlds that God could have created. Thus we get:

"Choco-Leibniz: The Best of All Possible Biscuits"

Which, actually, it pretty much is. They're very chocolatey you know.

7.8/10

Having an Infected Cyst

(Condition/Journey into the Heart of Awfulness)



JAMES says:

You can probably guess that this is not going to be a glowing review. Or pleasant. Also, as no one could choose to experience having an infected cyst it will be of no use to anyone. Well, I had to suffer so why shouldn’t you?

There are a number of things that are undesirable about having an infected cyst. I will now list them:

1. The pain. The absolute burning constant unrelievable pain. Now, belonging to the gender I do it is normal for me to shun painkillers, preferring instead to complain to my wife as relief (mine, not hers). I am currently at maximum suggested dosage of both Ibroprofen and Paracetomol Extra, and am a long way past the pain peak.

2. The lack of sleep. In my case the cyst was on the back of my neck, meaning there was only one position I could lie in that was not agony. Unfortunately this involved my arm being in a very unnatural position and meant that very soon after reaching unconsciousness I would attempt to adjust my position, roll over and very suddenly and unpleasantly no longer be asleep.

3. The sore back. Having to hold my head in an unnaturally crooked position led to, along with mocking from my wife, a very sore back. Attempts to relieve this with a warm bath were not terribly successful as I had to perch awkwardly half out of the water to avoid my dressing getting wet.

4. The squeezing. When you visit a member of the medical profession, they need to remove as much icky stuff as possible. This is done by squeezing. Imagine a part of your body that is so sore that you wince if someone even touches it. Now imagine someone placing that body part between their thumb and forefinger, and applying as much pressure as they can. Repeatedly. Whilst you have to make conversation with them.

5. The lack of sympathy. Due to my aforementioned constantly tilted head I had many concerned enquiries about my neck. When I informed them of the state of affairs (I tried lying and saying that I had been stabbed in the neck during a bar fight but it didn’t fly), the concerned look would be replaced by one of disgust. It is unfair but despite the relative amounts of suffering involved, start mentioning pus and people just don’t want to know.

6. And they are were right. It’s horrible. Now the inflamed, painful stage has past it has settled on constantly producing a sticky and smelly goo, which I have to dispose of discretely.

7. The pain, again. It really was very bad.

The positives are:

1. It makes you appreciate not having an infected cyst.

2. Umm...

So, in summary, don’t get an infected cyst. And feel sorry for me.

1.3/10