(Opera)
CONSTANT GUEST REVIEWER DEBBIE says:
I admit that it's my own stupid fault but I thought the fact that I hate Jerry Springer-style chat shows, Fat people, Americans, fat Americans, Musicals, Opera and crude language would be a positive asset to enjoying this satirical piece of theatre. I also thought it was about time I came off my Drama Graduate/Playwright high horse and saw something other than Chekhov, Wilde or Coward for a change.
The first thing that really annoyed me was that James had found us crap seats up in the Gods. However, it turns out that this wasn't his fault and placated by the pretty toilet paper in the ladies, I settled into the show. After 20 minutes I just wanted it to end. You know, just like that feeling you get when you watch any film starring Nicole Kidman? The show offended and irritated me. I don't mind rude words, so long as they have comic value, for instance "bollocks", but I felt uncomfortable listening to such a pile of filth. My companions however seemed to revel in it which annoyed me even more. I'm an old fashioned girl and I cannot condone coarse behaviour...which might lead some to question why I will be marrying James in a few weeks, but I digress.
My only artistic criticism is that I felt they hadn't gone far enough when creating the guests - the baby fetishist was pretty good but I think they should have hammed it up a bit more. After feeling that the show couldn't get much worse and a nice ice cream in the interval, I was further offended by the blasphemy in Act II - everyone knows that Jesus wasn't a fat man!
The staging was on the whole pretty good and I was impressed by the musicians and performers, apart from the chap playing Jerry himself. I also felt that the performance suffered a real lack of direction in Act II - it was hard to make out what they were getting at.
To conclude, I cannot fault the production itself, it's just no good for a highbrow like me. It is perfectly possible to achieve entertainment for entrainment's sake without being outrageous.
This show achieved everything it set out to achieve and perhaps for this reason I would even go so far as to say I hated it more than Les Miserables. Sorry Stewart Lee, I am a great admirer of your work in general but I think you should go back to working with Richard Herring.
I am also cross that we didn't get badges at the end, my friend Louisa did and she only went a week before us!
Staging and music score 6/10
Personal Enjoyment score- 1.5/10 (this score is solely for the toilet paper)
NEILL says:
Why would you want badges for a show you didn't even like? That's mental.
8.7/10
JAMES says:
I'll probably be sleeping on the sofa for this, but I don't think it's really fair to say you were too highbrow for the show. There were some intelligent themes discussed in there, and it is a frickin' Opera after all. Maybe it would be better to say you're too refined. I don't know, I'll throw it open to the readers. Vote in the comments about whether Debbie is too refined or too high-brow.
7.9/10
Friday, August 27, 2004
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Steve Wright in the Afternoon
(Sleazy Man Blathering on your Radio)
JAMES says:
This one might be a bit of a rant, I’m afraid. I think I used to think that Steve Wright was quite cool, back when he was on Radio 1. Probably something to do with Arnie & the Terminators. Having recently been exposed to his show, this time on ‘adult’ radio 2, I feel ashamed for little 12 year old James, and if I could meet him a la ‘Disney’s the Kid’ I would be forced to shake some sense in to him, as much as it would hurt me. There are few people in the world I admire more than myself, but in this instance I readily admit I was a chump. But nowhere near as much of a chump as Steve Wright.
The radio DJs job is to play records and talk, in varying degrees, and while Steve’s musical taste is about as good as his face is attractive, I would gladly listen to Girls Aloud on constant repeat from 2 til 5 if it would save me from his ramblings. It’s like having the boring tedious person in the office who thinks his opinions are so great that every conversation has to be conducted in as high a voice as possible on the radio, only he’s surrounded by paid sycophants who have to pretend that everything he says is amusing or insightful, thus swelling his already formidable ego. He constantly reads out ‘Factoids’ that half the time are just rubbish gossip ,the other half old urban legends that everyone knows are made up. He thinks having an agony aunt pretending to be Elvis is so funny he should do it every week. He has an old lady on all the time. He does the kind of impressions that people who can’t do impressions do, all the time. He sleazes over his young female guests so much, I have found out for the first time the physical sensation of one’s skin crawling. He even has an astrology section.
All this could be forgiven if it wasn’t for the fact he is unbelievably stupid. His ‘Big Quiz’ is like the Richard and Judy quiz, only easier, and yet he still mispronounces most of it and gets the answers wrong. And when he tries to put one of his opinions across, it is so spectacularly ill-informed and just plain wrong that you want to give the radio a clip round the ear. And no-one does lazy clichés like Steve Wright does lazy clichés. For a couple of weeks his radio station was taken over by Mark Goodier, and it actually got better.
Now you might be wondering why even at this very minute I am listening to his show. It’s not as you might expect being inflicted on me in a work environment. I have the hallowed position of being in control of the radio at the moment. I could just change over. But if I changed over every time there was a DJ I didn’t like then there isn’t a radio station I could stay with all day, and forever changing is too much trouble. Therefore, for the sake of Wogan in the mornings and funny angry old people on Jeremy Vine’s call-in show I put up with Steve Wright. Until he just pushes me too far…
1.7/10
http://www.bbc.co.uk/feedback/ - Let’s get him fired!
JAMES says:
This one might be a bit of a rant, I’m afraid. I think I used to think that Steve Wright was quite cool, back when he was on Radio 1. Probably something to do with Arnie & the Terminators. Having recently been exposed to his show, this time on ‘adult’ radio 2, I feel ashamed for little 12 year old James, and if I could meet him a la ‘Disney’s the Kid’ I would be forced to shake some sense in to him, as much as it would hurt me. There are few people in the world I admire more than myself, but in this instance I readily admit I was a chump. But nowhere near as much of a chump as Steve Wright.
The radio DJs job is to play records and talk, in varying degrees, and while Steve’s musical taste is about as good as his face is attractive, I would gladly listen to Girls Aloud on constant repeat from 2 til 5 if it would save me from his ramblings. It’s like having the boring tedious person in the office who thinks his opinions are so great that every conversation has to be conducted in as high a voice as possible on the radio, only he’s surrounded by paid sycophants who have to pretend that everything he says is amusing or insightful, thus swelling his already formidable ego. He constantly reads out ‘Factoids’ that half the time are just rubbish gossip ,the other half old urban legends that everyone knows are made up. He thinks having an agony aunt pretending to be Elvis is so funny he should do it every week. He has an old lady on all the time. He does the kind of impressions that people who can’t do impressions do, all the time. He sleazes over his young female guests so much, I have found out for the first time the physical sensation of one’s skin crawling. He even has an astrology section.
All this could be forgiven if it wasn’t for the fact he is unbelievably stupid. His ‘Big Quiz’ is like the Richard and Judy quiz, only easier, and yet he still mispronounces most of it and gets the answers wrong. And when he tries to put one of his opinions across, it is so spectacularly ill-informed and just plain wrong that you want to give the radio a clip round the ear. And no-one does lazy clichés like Steve Wright does lazy clichés. For a couple of weeks his radio station was taken over by Mark Goodier, and it actually got better.
Now you might be wondering why even at this very minute I am listening to his show. It’s not as you might expect being inflicted on me in a work environment. I have the hallowed position of being in control of the radio at the moment. I could just change over. But if I changed over every time there was a DJ I didn’t like then there isn’t a radio station I could stay with all day, and forever changing is too much trouble. Therefore, for the sake of Wogan in the mornings and funny angry old people on Jeremy Vine’s call-in show I put up with Steve Wright. Until he just pushes me too far…
1.7/10
http://www.bbc.co.uk/feedback/ - Let’s get him fired!
Spam E-mail
(Irritating phenomena of modern life)
NEILL says:
Relentlessly sunny optimist that I am, I try to look on the bright side of having my inbox constantly clogged up with endless unsolicited junk e-mails about penis enlargement, dodgy pharmaceuticals and 'shaved teens'. ‘What bright side?’, you may well ask. Well, I sometimes find there is a certain dark poetry to be appreciated in the largely unexamined field of the Spam Subject Line. Here are my all-time top 5 personal favourites, in descending order of grotesque hilarity:
5) Get more Ass than a Toilet Seat
4) Tear Her Shrimp Bed Apart
3) Chess board genitals
2) Is the Mail on Sunday more Planet Dumbass's market?
Ha ha ha! No. Thanks for asking, though. The absolute winner is fantastically, staggeringly minging:
1) Just because they're OLD... doesn't mean they don't need DICK!!!
Okay, so it's not much of a bright side.
2/10
JAMES says:
The amateur housewives were not free, and my penis stayed the same size. I'm starting to wonder if the whole thing might be some kind of scam.
0.4/10
NEILL says:
Relentlessly sunny optimist that I am, I try to look on the bright side of having my inbox constantly clogged up with endless unsolicited junk e-mails about penis enlargement, dodgy pharmaceuticals and 'shaved teens'. ‘What bright side?’, you may well ask. Well, I sometimes find there is a certain dark poetry to be appreciated in the largely unexamined field of the Spam Subject Line. Here are my all-time top 5 personal favourites, in descending order of grotesque hilarity:
5) Get more Ass than a Toilet Seat
4) Tear Her Shrimp Bed Apart
3) Chess board genitals
2) Is the Mail on Sunday more Planet Dumbass's market?
Ha ha ha! No. Thanks for asking, though. The absolute winner is fantastically, staggeringly minging:
1) Just because they're OLD... doesn't mean they don't need DICK!!!
Okay, so it's not much of a bright side.
2/10
JAMES says:
The amateur housewives were not free, and my penis stayed the same size. I'm starting to wonder if the whole thing might be some kind of scam.
0.4/10
Friday, August 13, 2004
‘The Yellow Wallpaper’
by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
JAMES says:
Fantastic 19th century short story about yellow wallpaper. I think this is going to have to be one of those times where I’m not going to tell you anything more about it so as not to spoil things. Instead I’m just going to say it’s great, go and read it. Look, there’s a link right there. You can read it right now, this minute. For free. Yeah, I thought that’d get you attention. Go on, then.
8.2/10
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/YelWal.shtml
JAMES says:
Fantastic 19th century short story about yellow wallpaper. I think this is going to have to be one of those times where I’m not going to tell you anything more about it so as not to spoil things. Instead I’m just going to say it’s great, go and read it. Look, there’s a link right there. You can read it right now, this minute. For free. Yeah, I thought that’d get you attention. Go on, then.
8.2/10
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/YelWal.shtml
Stagg and Groome
(Mismatched Crimefighting Duo)
NEILL says:
STAGG is a tough, unconventional maverick San Francisco Cop! With antlers! He plays by his own rules but dammit he GETS RESULTS! This is one cop you don't want to BUTT HEADS WITH!
GROOME is a 1950's rural English Groom! With 2 flat caps - one for WEARING and one for HIDING BEHIND!!!
Together, they are the deadliest fighting force the criminal fraternity has ever seen. Together, they are…
STAGG AND GROOME!!!
Their Secret Origin: Stagg and Groome were created over the course of a long afternoon at the UK Web & Mini Comix Thing in Stepney (where I won an AWARD), in the quiet spells between hordes of desparate love-crazed teenage Japanese girls seeking my autograph. Yes, amazingly enough, there were quiet spells. Of course, this was before I won my AWARD. Did I mention I won an AWARD?
The funniest part of the whole thing was people's responses. My day was absolutely made by the deadpan response of a certain independent comics publisher who didn't seem to be laughing uproariously for some reason. Helpfully, we explained it to him. "Yes," he said with a pained expression. "I get it."
Movie rights are available for negotiation! Talk to my people!
9/10
http://www.planetdumbass.co.uk/urt/staggandgroome2.jpg - Stagg and Groome Movie Poster
NEILL says:
STAGG is a tough, unconventional maverick San Francisco Cop! With antlers! He plays by his own rules but dammit he GETS RESULTS! This is one cop you don't want to BUTT HEADS WITH!
GROOME is a 1950's rural English Groom! With 2 flat caps - one for WEARING and one for HIDING BEHIND!!!
Together, they are the deadliest fighting force the criminal fraternity has ever seen. Together, they are…
STAGG AND GROOME!!!
Their Secret Origin: Stagg and Groome were created over the course of a long afternoon at the UK Web & Mini Comix Thing in Stepney (where I won an AWARD), in the quiet spells between hordes of desparate love-crazed teenage Japanese girls seeking my autograph. Yes, amazingly enough, there were quiet spells. Of course, this was before I won my AWARD. Did I mention I won an AWARD?
The funniest part of the whole thing was people's responses. My day was absolutely made by the deadpan response of a certain independent comics publisher who didn't seem to be laughing uproariously for some reason. Helpfully, we explained it to him. "Yes," he said with a pained expression. "I get it."
Movie rights are available for negotiation! Talk to my people!
9/10
http://www.planetdumbass.co.uk/urt/staggandgroome2.jpg - Stagg and Groome Movie Poster
Friday, July 30, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
European Monetary Punctuation
(System of financial notation)
JAMES says:
I’ve always found the European habit of putting a comma rather than a full stop between the big coins and the little coins rather endearing. It’s one of those little differences that make popping over to the continent more of an adventure, like a greater concentration of old red-faced men eyeing you suspiciously in the street. However, since I’ve started dealing in the world of high finance (ahem) I’ve come across the startling truth. Not only do they have a comma separating the Euros from the centimes, but they have a full stop separating the thousands and the hundreds!! For instance, 12 thousand euros and 23 centimes would be €12.000,23. Now long time readers will know my feelings about bringing nationalistic sentiment into purely economic arguments, but it must be clear to anyone with eyes in their heads that in this case our friends in Bruseels are dead wrong. A full stop marks the end of something and the start of something else, whereas a comma is the continuation of something. They’ve turned reason on its head!
1.1/10
JAMES says:
I’ve always found the European habit of putting a comma rather than a full stop between the big coins and the little coins rather endearing. It’s one of those little differences that make popping over to the continent more of an adventure, like a greater concentration of old red-faced men eyeing you suspiciously in the street. However, since I’ve started dealing in the world of high finance (ahem) I’ve come across the startling truth. Not only do they have a comma separating the Euros from the centimes, but they have a full stop separating the thousands and the hundreds!! For instance, 12 thousand euros and 23 centimes would be €12.000,23. Now long time readers will know my feelings about bringing nationalistic sentiment into purely economic arguments, but it must be clear to anyone with eyes in their heads that in this case our friends in Bruseels are dead wrong. A full stop marks the end of something and the start of something else, whereas a comma is the continuation of something. They’ve turned reason on its head!
1.1/10
Friday, July 16, 2004
Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong
(Cough Lozenges)
NEILL says:
Yo, let me holler at y'all a minute. You see this shit? These Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong? Well let me tell you, this shit is the bomb. This is the real shit, the straight up dope shit. This some hardcore gangsta cough lozenge shit. Knawwhaaamsayin? Better aks somebody.
For real, yo: the menthol vapour action on these motherfuckers will knock yo punk ass out. You know, I can handle mine, knawwhaaamsayin, but check this: I dropped two of these motherfuckers and I was one doped-up smoked-out sorry ass motherfucker. Seriously, yo. Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong: this shit will fuck yo ass up. Recognise.
Don't be coming here getting all up in my shit with your 'Lockets' shit. Lockets? Bitch please. Lockets be on some silly bitch shit. And don't even start with that Cherry-flavour Tunes shit. Bitch, I pity you. I'm telling you, man, Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong be the shit. For real.
7/10
NEILL says:
Yo, let me holler at y'all a minute. You see this shit? These Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong? Well let me tell you, this shit is the bomb. This is the real shit, the straight up dope shit. This some hardcore gangsta cough lozenge shit. Knawwhaaamsayin? Better aks somebody.
For real, yo: the menthol vapour action on these motherfuckers will knock yo punk ass out. You know, I can handle mine, knawwhaaamsayin, but check this: I dropped two of these motherfuckers and I was one doped-up smoked-out sorry ass motherfucker. Seriously, yo. Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong: this shit will fuck yo ass up. Recognise.
Don't be coming here getting all up in my shit with your 'Lockets' shit. Lockets? Bitch please. Lockets be on some silly bitch shit. And don't even start with that Cherry-flavour Tunes shit. Bitch, I pity you. I'm telling you, man, Halls Mentho-Lyptus Extra Strong be the shit. For real.
7/10
The Big Four
by Agatha Christie
(Ripping Yarn)
JAMES says:
You may think you know what this book will be like before even reading it. Agatha Christie, you think, so vicars, unusual poisons, wills, country houses, Amazonian blow pipes. And awful dialogue. Well, let me throw a few more things into the mix. How about shadowy international Communist conspiracies, death-rays, evil Chinese masterminds, secret mountain bases and a character called ‘the Destroyer’. Not so sure now, are you? Although the dialogue is still a bit ropey. Anyway, this seems to be the book where Christie went a bit mental and decided to just take the piss. While it’s not what anyone would call a great book, it is very interesting to read if you’ve read quite a few Agatha Christies, or if you want to see just how indebted James Bond was to Poirot. The sheer genre-ripping novelty will have you snorting out loud in disbelief. Admittedly there are a few too many ‘But dash it Poirot, how could you possibly have known that?’ moments, but that pretty much comes with the territory.
6.1/10
Buy this book on Amazon
(Ripping Yarn)
JAMES says:
You may think you know what this book will be like before even reading it. Agatha Christie, you think, so vicars, unusual poisons, wills, country houses, Amazonian blow pipes. And awful dialogue. Well, let me throw a few more things into the mix. How about shadowy international Communist conspiracies, death-rays, evil Chinese masterminds, secret mountain bases and a character called ‘the Destroyer’. Not so sure now, are you? Although the dialogue is still a bit ropey. Anyway, this seems to be the book where Christie went a bit mental and decided to just take the piss. While it’s not what anyone would call a great book, it is very interesting to read if you’ve read quite a few Agatha Christies, or if you want to see just how indebted James Bond was to Poirot. The sheer genre-ripping novelty will have you snorting out loud in disbelief. Admittedly there are a few too many ‘But dash it Poirot, how could you possibly have known that?’ moments, but that pretty much comes with the territory.
6.1/10
Buy this book on Amazon
Monday, July 12, 2004
Waking up
(Transitional state of awareness)
NEILL says:
Increasingly these days I am inclined to think of consciousness as being essentially cyclical in nature. One's thought processes on any given day will generally consist of about five or six topics which will just repeat in cycles of varying frequency, over and over and over again. These five topics can generally be broken down into a fairly small number of major categories: sex, food and work being the biggies, with a couple of spots reserved for one's current cirumstances and major preoccupations of choice. I've drawn a handy diagram to illustrate this, what I would like to call 'Cameron's Theory of Orbital Consciousness'. Pay attention now, you'll probably see this repeated in the next edition of the Oxford Encyclopaedia of Philosophy...
That's just me, anyway. The composition and relative frequency of the cycles will vary in accordance with various factors, notably age, gender, social position and level of drunkenness. The frequency of a cycle is hugely variable: to take one example: on the fateful day that young James got wed, for the roughly one-hour period that I in my Best Man-ly role was actually in possession of the wedding bands, the single thought 'Shit! Have I lost the rings?' increased in frequency till it was cycling at a rate of approximately once every two point five seconds during the final minutes before I got to give them to the vicar and breathe a massive sigh of relief. Once something has been running on such a 'hot cycle' it cannot simply disappear, and for the rest of the day (indeed, the week) I was still having sudden panics and checking my pockets, albeit with increasingly long gaps in between. It's been a couple of weeks now, and I think I'm okay, but I would not in the least be surprised if I find myself years from now, tramping up a mountainside in some far-flung part of Asia, suddenly thinking to myself 'Fuck! Where are the rings?'
Anyway, waking up: the great thing about waking up is that it is a chance to observe this process kicking in: you can take a few moments on waking to to simply lie there and pay attention to the first cycle of the day lazily running its course. By noting the first five things that drift through your slowly activating brain, you will get an exclusive teaser preview of what you are in fact going to be thinking about all day. For example, on my first attempt at this exercise, my first 5 thoughts covered the following subjects:
That was one day at random, but to be fair, it could have been any day of my life for the last couple of years. Sex, comics, hip-hop and philosophy. You'll notice how my actual JOB doesn't even get a look-in there...
I would invite all our readers to partake of this simple exercise; it's an extremely easy and often highly revealing bit of self-analyis; a kind of quick mental daily diagnostic (although it can be quite hard to remember, as you tend to be a bit sleepy at the time.) I would further invite all our readers to post, here, on the messageboard or via e-mail, their lists of the first five things they think about in the morning. In this way I hope to compile a psychic census of the nation, or at least of our glamorous and bohemian little corner of it. It'll be fun, and when I'm on 'Richard & Judy' selling my best-selling pop-psychological book on the subject I promise to send you all a postcard.
6.2/10
NEILL says:
Increasingly these days I am inclined to think of consciousness as being essentially cyclical in nature. One's thought processes on any given day will generally consist of about five or six topics which will just repeat in cycles of varying frequency, over and over and over again. These five topics can generally be broken down into a fairly small number of major categories: sex, food and work being the biggies, with a couple of spots reserved for one's current cirumstances and major preoccupations of choice. I've drawn a handy diagram to illustrate this, what I would like to call 'Cameron's Theory of Orbital Consciousness'. Pay attention now, you'll probably see this repeated in the next edition of the Oxford Encyclopaedia of Philosophy...
That's just me, anyway. The composition and relative frequency of the cycles will vary in accordance with various factors, notably age, gender, social position and level of drunkenness. The frequency of a cycle is hugely variable: to take one example: on the fateful day that young James got wed, for the roughly one-hour period that I in my Best Man-ly role was actually in possession of the wedding bands, the single thought 'Shit! Have I lost the rings?' increased in frequency till it was cycling at a rate of approximately once every two point five seconds during the final minutes before I got to give them to the vicar and breathe a massive sigh of relief. Once something has been running on such a 'hot cycle' it cannot simply disappear, and for the rest of the day (indeed, the week) I was still having sudden panics and checking my pockets, albeit with increasingly long gaps in between. It's been a couple of weeks now, and I think I'm okay, but I would not in the least be surprised if I find myself years from now, tramping up a mountainside in some far-flung part of Asia, suddenly thinking to myself 'Fuck! Where are the rings?'
Anyway, waking up: the great thing about waking up is that it is a chance to observe this process kicking in: you can take a few moments on waking to to simply lie there and pay attention to the first cycle of the day lazily running its course. By noting the first five things that drift through your slowly activating brain, you will get an exclusive teaser preview of what you are in fact going to be thinking about all day. For example, on my first attempt at this exercise, my first 5 thoughts covered the following subjects:
- this girl that I like
- giant robots
- how to lay out the first two panels of the page I'm working on
- how 'Quality' by Talib Kweli really is a fantastic album and certainly deserves a better mark than I gave it in my review
- how consciousness is essentially cyclical in nature and I should really get around to writing something about it some time
That was one day at random, but to be fair, it could have been any day of my life for the last couple of years. Sex, comics, hip-hop and philosophy. You'll notice how my actual JOB doesn't even get a look-in there...
I would invite all our readers to partake of this simple exercise; it's an extremely easy and often highly revealing bit of self-analyis; a kind of quick mental daily diagnostic (although it can be quite hard to remember, as you tend to be a bit sleepy at the time.) I would further invite all our readers to post, here, on the messageboard or via e-mail, their lists of the first five things they think about in the morning. In this way I hope to compile a psychic census of the nation, or at least of our glamorous and bohemian little corner of it. It'll be fun, and when I'm on 'Richard & Judy' selling my best-selling pop-psychological book on the subject I promise to send you all a postcard.
6.2/10
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